


an exercise in futility

by Blue_Rive



Category: The Mechanisms (Band)
Genre: (thanks Carmilla), (thanks Ivy), (thanks Jonny), Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Autistic Ivy Alexandria (The Mechanisms), Autistic Toy Soldier (The Mechanisms), F/F, Fluff, Frog Facts, Gen, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Minor Unreality, Temporary Character Death, couldn't think of a good summary bc it's like midnight, ivy: no, jonny: i do, jonny: i'm sad, me: do you want to talk about your feelings, me: i know, me: i know jonny
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-04
Updated: 2020-08-04
Packaged: 2021-03-06 02:00:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,807
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25705528
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blue_Rive/pseuds/Blue_Rive
Summary: Post-Lashings.
Relationships: Ivy Alexandria & The Toy Soldier, The Aurora/Nastya Rasputina
Comments: 11
Kudos: 82
Collections: Stowaways' Shenanigans, The Toy Soldier Has Rights





	an exercise in futility

**Author's Note:**

> -this draws on a lot of Deep Mechanisms Lore! the one thing that you have to watch is the liveshow 'The Mechanisms @ Lashings'- there's also minor references to Ivy and Ashes' crew bio, The Story Of The Toy Soldier, some old unrecorded shows, and Scuzz is there which is a lore rabbithole in itself, but hopefully you don't have to dive too deep to understand this!
> 
> -translations are in the end notes! i don't speak japanese _or_ russian, but i've done the best i can with google translate

The good thing about probabilities was that you were less likely to be caught unaware. 

Ivy had been doing the maths about Carmilla returning. The chance had been high, but she hadn’t told the rest of the crew. There was almost a 100% chance that they would have reacted badly. The good thing about probabilities were that they told you when to be careful, and when to hide things, and how to figure out all the feelings and talking stuff because you could just calculate what would make people happier in the moment, because wasn’t the moment all there was? 

The good thing about how Ivy’s memories worked was that she didn’t have the same baggage as everyone else. The good thing about probabilities was that she could ask them how she felt instead of thinking about it herself. 

There was a 38% chance she would be scared. Well under 50. She didn’t have a thing to worry about, really. 

When she walked into the kitchen that afternoon, the Toy Soldier was sitting in a chair at the counter like it had always been there. (There had been a 67% chance of that happening.) 

“Hi,” Ivy said. She liked the Toy Soldier. They’d only just met, but it seemed alright, if a bit loud. 

It stood up and saluted. “Hello, old chap! Would you like a spot of tea?” 

“That would be nice, actually. I’ll put the kettle on?” 

It sat back down, hands clasped neatly in its lap and posture ramrod straight. “Jolly good!”

“Jolly good jolly good jolly good!” Ivy echoed, bouncing up and down on her toes. She took a second to access the ship’s inventory. They should have an electric kettle in a cupboard on the back wall approximately 3.784 feet off the ground. She fetched it down- luckily, no one seemed to have shot it (Jonny) or overheated it (Ashes) or tried to mix another unholy concoction of blood, tea, and Red Bull inside (Carmilla). “I didn’t expect you to like poetry,” Ivy says over her shoulder to it. “I thought you just sang.” 

“It’s a good icebreaker!” It rocked back and forth in its chair, looking a bit less worried about sitting neatly. “I like lots of things! Alice in Wonderland is my favorite book. They all seem to be having such a smashing good time, especially that queen! Ask me something about frogs.” 

“What about frogs?” 

“They’ve got very clever skulls! They look like it’s going to be quite boring, but if you look at the skull without flesh on, there’s all sorts of spikes and shapes and things! It makes it harder for predators to eat them! No one wants something that pointy! And the bone density varies. I don’t know why. I like bones! Sometimes they have gaps in their skulls so they can eat things better. There was a frog called the devil frog that used to eat dinosaurs. It went extinct ages ago though which is a shame because I would like to meet it and compliment it on being so talented. All the other frogs on my planet are extinct too but that was less long ago. I’ve seen frogs though because I’ve been to lots of planets.” 

“I thought you lived in a shop? When did you see more planets?” 

“I fought in the war!” 

“Why?” Ivy asked, running calculations to see when the water would be done boiling. “And which one?” 

“I am a soldier!” 

“Alright then.” The water would be done in 56.43 seconds, so she fetched down two mugs from another cupboard. Good thing they’d bought new ones when they were planetside- Jonny had broken all their old ones trying to hit Scuzz the other week. (There was a 91% chance Scuzz had deserved and/or caused it in some way, 72% chance that it would be more fun to blame Jonny, and 38.9% chance that this would increase Nastya’s speed building the O’Neil ring by approximately 300%. 

She began to busy herself making the tea, but the Toy Soldier broke in before she got very far. “What the hell- you’re doing it all wrong!” It took her place, taking out the teabags Ivy had put in the cups and searching around for something. “Don’t you folks have a teapot anywhere?”

Ivy pointed up to a high cabinet. “I can’t reach it…” 

“That’s alright, old chum! I am quite tall!” To prove its point, the Toy Soldier took down the teapot from the cabinet easily and set it on the counter. It then began to make the tea itself, clearly following some kind of set of steps or procedure it had been taught. “We need food, too!”

“Can I have a cucumber sandwich?” Ivy asked. “And cake?” 

“Of course!” The Toy Soldier seemed quite adept at baking, though it kept being annoyed when ingredients weren’t in the “right place” and Ivy had to point them out for it. 

It kept up quite an amicable conversation while doing this and Ivy felt content waiting for it to finish. (She’d tried to help a few times, but been shooed off.) Maybe she’d even invite it into her library- none of the other Mechanisms were allowed in there, for fear they’d damage the books.

(She never used to be afraid of that- memories in the recesses of her mind said that she used to know a library that was a joyful place, where she and other kids would run wild and ride about on the library carts and make forts out of blankets and five copies of the full Encyclopedia Britannica. When was that? Why was she so worried now? Why was it that whenever Ashes lit up a cigarette or a napkin or Jonny’s hair she panicked? What was she forgetting?)

Of course, their peace couldn’t last for long. Just when they’d gotten comfortable, Jonny showed up, slamming open and shut various cupboards.

“Would you please leave,” Ivy said primly, “we’re trying to have tea.” 

“Hello old chap!” The Toy Soldier waved enthusiastically. “Would you like some cake?” 

“Don’t give the-” Ivy started, then corrected herself. “Can you not give the cake to Jonny?” 

“Thank you for asking! Why can Jonny not have cake? He is a friend!” 

Jonny managed to find a bottle of whiskey somewhere. He hit it against the wall, breaking the top off, and then downed the bottle before throwing it vaguely in the direction of the rubbish bin. “Wh’ t’ hell is t’  _ Toy Soldier  _ doin’ here? I thought Nast- Nah- her returned it to t’ shop.”

“I haven’t asked, because it is very nice and if it wants to be here you should let it.” 

“I wanted to spend more time with my new friends! I do not know you all yet and I would like to!”

“Right, I gotta- lemme do the introduction.” He grabbed the Toy Soldier’s whisk and held it up like a mic. “Ladies an’ gentlemen an’ whatever t’ hell you are-” 

“I am nonbinary! I think I might be agender!” 

“Right. Fuckin’... w’ term?”

“I am a toy soldier!”

“‘Kay. Ladies and gentlemen an’ toy soldiers, we are Dr. Carmilla an’ the Mechanisms, band of immortal space pirates, uhh... doin’ stuff. I’d like to take a mo’ to introduce t’ you the crew of our mighty… Aurora! We got Scuzz, our lookout an’ resident night gremlin, Ashes O’Reilly, quartermaster which I guess means t’ get all t’ money, ‘s no fair, uhh…” He trailed off, but reasserted himself on spotting Ivy for the second time. “An’ we got Ivy! Hi, Ivy!” 

Ivy waved. 

“An’ then there’s the most important one, me.” He attempted to bow and almost fell into the sink. The Toy Soldier caught him and gently placed him back upright. “I f’get anyone?” 

“Brian and Nastya,” Ivy said helpfully. “And-” 

“Right, right. We g’t Drumbot Dri- fuckin’... robot guy, an’ Princess Dutchess whatever. Nastya. An’ o’ course- our mad creator, Dr. Carmilla, cause I can’t fucking get rid of her!” He paced around the room. “Shoved her out inna deep whatever- airlock, she bloody came back, won’t tell me  _ shit  _ ‘bout what kinda thing she’s gonna do to us ‘cept fuckin’ “wait and see”- hell’s that s’pos- post- meant ta’ mean!” He started searching through the cupboards again. “Ivy. Ivy. Ive. Liv. Ivy. D’y’ha’ uhh… t’ alc- al- whis- w’ever.” There was an 89% chance Jonny wouldn’t like it if she didn’t tell him, so she pointed out the whiskey cabinet and he drained another two bottles. 

The door swung open and Ashes stepped through. “Hey, Iv- shit, Jonny’s hammered.” They took in the room. “Why’s the Toy Soldier here?” 

“I am having tea with my new friend Ivy!”

Ashes sighed. “For fuck’s sake. Guess this might as well happen. We can try and lose it on a planet somewhere once this whole mess is over.” They turn to the third person in the room. “Sober up, Jonny, we got a crew meeting in half an hour to figure out what to do next. Ivy, you too.” 

“Can the Toy Soldier come?” 

“Why the hell not. I’m gonna go find Nastya and Scuzz. Carmilla’s in the commons so we’re meeting in the one gravity pod we got working instead. See you.” They leave, slamming the door closed behind them. 

“Don’t want t’ sober up,” Jonny complained. “‘M fine.” That said, he collapsed on the ground in a heap. 

Ivy did him the courtesy of shooting him in the head. Best hangover cure out there for immortals. (And she supposed that even if you weren’t immortal, this’d still get rid of a hangover as well as most other problems.) 

“That was rude!” the Toy Soldier commented. 

“He’ll come back,” Ivy said. “Would you like to finish having tea?” 

“Let’s!”

\---

There was a rapping sound on the side of the vent. Nastya curled up tighter. “Fuck off.” 

“It’s just me.” Ashes’ voice was muffled through the layers of metal. “We have a crew meeting in like twenty minutes.”

“I’ll be there.” She listened to Ashes walking away until she could no longer hear their footsteps. 

“Are you alright?” Aurora said through the cybernetics in Nastya’s ears. She spoke Cyberian; a different dialect than Nastya had grown up speaking, but now far more familiar than the rigid formality she’d been taught. 

“I’m fine.” Nastya sighed. “Well, no. Jonny airlocked Carmilla and I thought it’d be great, but then without her we all started fucking up. I had to get us gigs and do all our advertising and stuff. I don’t know how to do that! And then Jonny landed himself in jail and he’s our lead singer, so I had to buy us that fucking robot to fill in.” 

“You should apologize to it,” Aurora cut in unexpectedly. “It’s sentient, like I am, just has a protocol for following orders. Like I do. And you don’t abuse mine, because I’ve told you that it feels shitty to have to do what someone asks just because they are human and you are not. So don’t do that to the Toy Soldier, either.” 

“...Okay,” Nastya agreed. She didn’t get on with the Toy Soldier at all, but Aurora was empathetic and sensitive and the love of Nastya’s life, and if she wanted her to do something nice, then she would. “What about you? Are you okay? With Carmilla being back and everything?” 

“Don’t worry about me. I’m her ‘favorite’, and even if I wasn’t, she can’t hurt me the same way she hurt you. The person who could do that died years ago. Carmilla isn’t a programmer. Just- I’m the ship. I can’t leave. And when you are in pain, I can feel it.” A small breeze ruffled Nastya’s hair, like Aurora was caressing her face. “So stay safe, alright? Don’t take the blame.” 

“It’s- you’re allowed to be scared,” Nastya told her. 

“Really, I’m fine.” 

“Okay. You can talk to me anytime, though.” She pressed a kiss to the side of the vent. “I love you,  _ zvezda moya _ .”

“I love you too,  _ solnyshko.” _

\---

They all made their way to the meeting in about the opposite of what you could call a timely manner, but everyone did show up eventually. (Though Ashes did have to drag Scuzz out of the shadowy corners of the ship, where she tended to spend most of her time- mostly eavesdropping on people’s conversations and adding witty commentary.) 

“Alright,” Ashes started, “what are we gonna do about Carmilla?” 

“We shouldn’t kill her.” Brian was sitting crosslegged on a broken couch, leaning forward with a serious expression. 

“預言や、カーミラが戻ってきたときに何かが返ってくるのでしょうか?”

“No, I didn’t have a prophetic vision. I just think killing people is bad!”

“Could airlock her again.” Jonny looked a bit more sober than Ashes had seen him when they’d walked into whatever the hell the Toy Soldier and Ivy were doing, but he was currently nursing yet another bottle. “Might even stick this time.” 

Ashes walked over and took the whiskey away from him. “Not gonna pretend that ain’t on the table, but since it didn’t work the first time, it’s pro’bly not gonna work a second.”

“Stop being so calm!” he burst out. “How are you doing it? Carmilla’s back, and she’s going to kill us all until she thinks we’ve learned our lesson!”

“She can kill us, but we can’t die,” Ashes pointed out.

“I fucking wish I could! Did you ask for immortality, because I sure didn’t!”

“Well, actually, I kinda did.” When you were immortal, that was pretty much as good as it got. You couldn’t get hurt, at least not permanently. You’d have time to accumulate power and resources. You’d be an untouchable god, which was pretty much the farthest you could get from a scared little kid in an orphanage.

“ おそらく待つ必要があります,” Scuzz added before Jonny could retort, bringing them back on topic. “今警戒中.” 

“She told me and Jonny that we had a gig in a few days,” Nastya put in. “So she’ll be looking for us then.” 

“I still don’t think killing is good!”

“For fuck’s sake,” Jonny hissed, “lemme flip your switch.” He leaned forward, reaching for where it was hidden on the back of Brian’s neck by long wire ringlets. 

Brian yelped and pushed him away. “Don’t touch me! It’s bad enough that I have to have it, I don’t want people switching the setting without even asking!” He took a few shuddering breaths. “She rewired my whole brain! I don’t know what other stuff she could have done to me, and I don’t like being reminded of what I know she did!”

“あなたは方開何が起こるのですかをうまく計画していません.” 

“I don’t  _ plan  _ well on MJE?” 

“私は次に何をすべきかを理解しようとしています、大丈夫です、あなたは助けられていません！他にも誰もいない！そして、あなたは皆、あなたが最後にしたことで私を招待することすらしませんでした、そしてあなたは皆「ああ、ローズレッドが何であるか正直に知らないのですか？」 ！船の上!" 

“Why the hell are you complaining about us leaving you behind that time, of all things? Fucking  _ Carmilla’s  _ back! And sure, we can try and plan all we want, but we’re never gonna kill her permanently! I thought she was done for after I pushed her out that airlock but she just fucking shows up at our next gig like nothing happened!”

Ashes took a swig of Jonny’s whiskey and contemplated what to do next. (They’d taken Carmilla’s hand just the same as they’d taken Mickey’s. Kid to mobster to god and they still couldn’t get out from under the thumb of whatever fucker they’d decided to trust this time.)

“For now, we’re stuck,” Nastya said quietly. “We’re going to kill her one day. But she’s immortal, and if she can come back from this, she can come back from most things. We’re just going to have to… keep going on as usual.” 

“Aight.” Ashes lifted the bottle. “To survival and eventual murder?” 

“Give me back my fucking whiskey.” 

**Author's Note:**

> -aurora calls nastya ´little sun' and nastya calls her 'my star'
> 
> -scuzz's lines are, in order, 'did you have a prophecy or something that carmilla'll come back if we do that', 'we'll probably have to wait- she'll be on her guard', and 'you don't plan well on mje'- that one is a bit weird, because she has a casual term for means justify ends where she slams together a couple japanese words and phrases- and then their longer rant is 'I’m trying to figure out what to do next, alright, and you’re being no help! Neither is anyone else! And you all didn’t even invite me on the last thing you did, and then you’re all like ‘oh, you honestly don’t know what a Rose Red is?’ No, I don’t, because I was here! On the ship!'
> 
> leave a comment!


End file.
